Posted by: Briar Rose | January 30, 2007

Remembering the Wrongdoings and Neverminding Everything Else.

Lately, I had numerous and long discussions about my responsibilities, obligations and accountabilities with my parents. When I do right nobody remembers, because it is the normal thing for me to do. But when I make a mistake, it gets magnified 101%.

I used to think, I was born with a curse — a decent amount of intelligence, a good amount of common sense combined with sense of responsibility and good looks. Wehehe

My parents and all the people around me have very high expectations of me. I remember…I have to finish first in every grade level, and I have to win all the competitions that I get myself into — voluntarily or otherwise. I did what was expected and if I attain the set goal — no big deal. It seems like being an honor student is normal and it’s a must — a simple as that.

Once in a while I will come home with tests that are not 100%. I dreaded those days for I know that I will not hear the end of it. The “would’ve,” “could’ve,” “should’ve.” That I didn’t do my best…that I put playing ahead of studying…that I should’ve spent another hour reviewing than go to sleep early.

I graduated from High School and College with the highest grades. But I lacked in extra curricular activities. My parents didn’t believe in shelling out money to join the cheering squad, or buy the costume for a stage play. I have to reach my goal with my smarts rather than strutting my stuff.

I accepted these criticisms and try to excel in everything. A mistake is not acceptable. 98% is not acceptable. It’s 100% or nothing. I did it almost all my life that I find myself setting those standards.

And, now that I have committed something they are not in favor of — they wouldn’t talk to me. Oh well, I can’t please everybody and I cannot do everything they wanted me to do. Like everyone else — I want to live my life the way I wanted it to be. No pretentions, no hassles, no pressures, no alienations….Okay, that’s enough for tonight. Who would have thought that I’m officially sick today? Hehe Well, I guessed, I have to turn early now. Good night.

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Responses

  1. That’s tough, for me my parents are fine as long as I keep my grades decent. But a human has his/her limits and one couldn’t force him/herself to attain goals which aren’t meant for him/her.

    As for me I have been given my talents and therefore I use it and harness its potential. But instead of aiming first, I am aiming for my best (exerting everything I have not expecting what my best is). “Aim high. Expect low,” a law of my psychological survival which your parents might not agree with. If they expect you to be the number one in academics then they’ll force you to beat Einstein and the other geniuses in history. But soon you’ll discover that someone else is better than you (which is ALWAYS TRUE), you’ll feel down and full of envy as if someone got the best of you and that would lead you down the path of anxiety (which blinds you of your blessings).

    Besides, a man’s (or in your case a woman’s) greatness isn’t judged by his (her) achievements but on how he (she) utilized what he (she) has to serve Him.

    And also, you do not need to be on top or to have everything to live a good life. Just do your best and learn to surf on the waves of life.

  2. You might not mind this. But here’s my two cents:
    Yeah I was pretty much the same, good grades, etc. But then I just chose to stop, you know? Stop being the best. It might not be the good choice, but hey, I got what I wanted out of life (the problems, the stress, the everything), the way I wanted it. I control the pace, I sort what’s in front of me and I sometimes handle the pressure. That way my folks knew not to expect from me.

    Still nothing’s good about it.

    Because I fought for my control prematurely. I’m not experienced, guided, informed enough. Yet I struggle and I fall. I sometimes may not get up and I may choose to just rot there, but then people (like you) come by and offer me a hand or just kick me where it hurts so I might realize I gotta move cause I’m in the way. I’m in the way of my own path.
    And I am still afraid of you. But then I just see that what’s making me afraid is my own self-esteem, or lack of it thereof.
    I’m not a fighter, I never was. And I choose not to hide behind the strong front, sure it may hurt me, but it’s what I sentenced myself to. It’s because it’s all I know, no one taught me how to counter it, the hurt. And I only cope each day through the only way I know how, endure it. Sometimes it makes me give up.

    I just wanna know, how do you see me? ‘Cause one time you’re so welcoming then you go on and give jokes about my ‘insanity’. It’s not very nice if you think about it. I just hope, with this, you would understand my point of view.

    And I may not have the courage to repeat this again, hehe.
    Kaya malalagot ako if ever magalit ka or what. I’m already afraid of the whole Admin and Mod team.


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